BY THE BLACK GOAT OF THE FAMILY
Good afternoon friends, from the lush kelly-green grass of the Other Side of the Fence. I’m taking over for our lovely owner today as she wandered away muttering that she needed a cuppa.
I’m not sure what the contents of said Cuppa were to be, but I’m thinking from her snarky attitude, it needed to be something unleaded.
I’m the only black goat in the herd. Apparently I’m lucky to still be here, they say. Not sure what that means, but since I’m going to be soon enjoying a promotion to what sounds like a high class establishment, known as the Market, I thought I should seek to educate any apprentice black ruminants out there.
There are just a few simple rules to successfully aggravate your humans by getting your head well and truly stuck in a fence. I’m not sure why it’s so difficult for the lighter colored goats to figure this out.
1) Always make sure you are impossibly limber and flexible to achieve the most superior measure of stuckness. The very best extrications take place from a location where it is clearly anatomically impossible to get both your skull and horns through in the first place. Not just millimeters of impossibility. To be really impressive, it needs to be inches.
It’s good for your human. Keeps them wondering.
2) Always, always choose the wooden fence. The wire fence is too flexible and too easy for the human to get you out. Only once have I been able to cause them to get the wire cutters – big failure. Will haunt me a lifetime. And possibly them too.
In contrast, the wooden fence has no give. And requires tools. It’s more interesting when the boy is involved as he wants to experiment with things I think won’t work. She just always comes at me with a crowbar. No fun.
3) Always choose somewhere that is the furthest possible distance from the house. Throw in a tight schedule and you score ten extra points. If they are late and on their way to church, double those ten extra.
4) Always get them in their best clothes. A three-piece suit scores the highest in this category, but milady’s nice meeting clothing is perfectly satisfactory.
Doesn’t count if they are in any type of bib-overalls or Wellington boots. Face the challenge head on, furry friends.
5) Always be sure to get stuck only when that big handsome guy is not home. He’ll have you out in two minutes flat which totally destroys all your hard work.
Feel free to touch base any time if you are “ruminanting” on any questions. You can contact me here, or hopefully, at The Market.